What is domestic abuse? 

Domestic abuse can happen between adults who are or have been intimate partners or between family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.  It can impact anyone at any time.

Also known as ‘domestic violence’, domestic abuse is a pattern of relationship behaviour where the abuser gains or maintains power and control over a partner or family member. The abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological. 

Domestic abuse also includes threats that influence another person, such as behaviours that frighten, intimidate, terrorise, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. 

Domestic abuse can happen in any relationship, including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all backgrounds and education levels. 

Perpetrators may also target children, relatives, or other household members. Survivors of domestic abuse may experience several different types of abuse from the same perpetrator.

Recognising domestic abuse

Domestic abuse can take many forms. Recognising and acknowledging the different types of abuse and how an abuser can control or manipulate others are vital steps towards preventing and stopping domestic abuse. 

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship or experiencing domestic abuse.

Does your partner

• Belittle or make fun of you in front of other people?
• Make you feel unable to make decisions?
• Intimidate or threaten you to get you to get their way?
• Tell you that you’re nothing without them?
• Get physical, such as grabbing, pushing, pinching, or hitting you?
• Call you constantly or show up to make sure you’re where you said you would be?
• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for their abusive behaviour?
• Blame you for arguments or the abuse itself?
• Pressure you for sex?
• Make you feel like there’s nowhere to turn?
• Prevent you from pursuing your interests or spending time with friends and family?

Do you

• Sometimes feel scared or intimidated by your partner’s behaviour?
• Make excuses to yourself and others for your partner’s behaviour?
• Believe your partner would change if you changed something about yourself?
• Try to avoid doing things that cause conflict or make your partner angry?
• Always do what your partner wants instead of what you want?
• Stay with your partner because you fear what they’d do if you ended the relationship?

 Remember, a healthy relationship is loving and respectful. A kind and considerate partner will offer you support, freedom, and equality in your relationship. 

An unhealthy relationship may include: 

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse includes undermining a person’s sense of self-worth through non-physical behaviours such as threats, insults, monitoring of activity, extreme jealousy, manipulation, humiliation and intimidation, among others. 

Signs of emotional abuse include:

• Frequent criticism, belittling, name-calling or verbal abuse.
• Damaging relationships with your children.
• Not letting a partner see friends and family.

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

• Calls you names, insults you or regularly criticises you.
• Does not trust you and acts in a jealous or possessive manner.
• Isolates you from family or friends.
• Monitors your activity, including phone calls, emails, messages, and your whereabouts.
• Doesn’t want you to work. 
• Questions where you go and with whom you spend your time. 
• Controls finances or refuses to share money.
• Withholds affection as punishment. 
• Expects you to ask permission before doing anything. 
• Threatens to hurt you or others to get what they want. 
• Humiliates you in any way.
• Tells you what to wear. 
• Questions your reality and tries to convince you of things you know are untrue. 
• Embarrasses you in public.
• Threatens you with a breakup or divorce to manipulate a disagreement.
• Threatens suicide during arguments.
• Constantly accuses you of cheating.
• Overloads you with affection and gifts before using that kindness to manipulate you later.

Although emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical marks, it does hurt, disempower, and traumatise the partner experiencing the abuse.

Emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence. If you’re being emotionally abused, it’s essential to tell someone.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is when someone hurts or harms a person on purpose. This includes hitting, smacking, pushing, shaking, spitting, pinching, burning, biting, denying medical care, forcing drug or alcohol use, inappropriate restraint, physical punishments or other ways of causing bodily harm.

You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner:

• Scratches, punches, bites, chokes, kicks or burns you.
• Throws items at you or damages property when angry.
• Pulls your hair.
• Pushes or pulls you or forcibly grabs your clothing.
• Threatens or hurts you with a weapon.
• Touches you without your permission or consent.
• Forces you to have sex or perform sexual acts.
• Grabs your face to make you look at them.
• Prevents you from leaving or forces you to go somewhere.
• Prevents you from calling the police or seeking medical care. 

You do not have to wait for an emergency to find help. If you’re experiencing physical abuse, it’s vital to tell someone. 

Are you worried someone might see you’ve visited this page? The Women’s Aid website has advice on covering your tracks online. 

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is any sexual activity that occurs without consent through force or manipulation. Sexual abuse can happen in person or online. 

There are two types of sexual abuse – contact and non-contact abuse. 

Contact abuse

Contact abuse is when an abuser makes sexual contact with a person or forces them into sexual contact with someone else. This includes:

• Sexual touching of a person’s body, either through clothes or on the skin
• Using a body part or object to rape or penetrate someone
• Forcing someone to take part in sexual activities
• Making a person undress or touch someone else.

Non-contact abuse

Non-contact abuse is where a person is abused without the abuser touching them. This includes:

• Exposing or flashing
• Showing pornography
• Exposing a person to sexual acts
• Making them masturbate
• Forcing someone to make, view or share sexual images or videos
• Making, viewing or distributing sexual images or videos without consent
• Forcing someone to take part in sexual activities or conversations online

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:

• Demands you dress in a sexual way.
• Forces or manipulates you into having sex or performing sexual acts.
• Holds you down during sex.
• Demands sex when you are sick, tired or after beating you.
• Hurts you with weapons or objects during sex.
• Involves other people in sexual activities with you.
• Ignores your feelings regarding sex.

Nobody, including you, deserves to be abused. Domestic abuse is not your fault. 

You are not alone. We’re here for you. 

Getting help and support for domestic abuse

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, contact our refuge on 0808 147 1993. You can also get help from Refuge’s Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline at 0808 2000 247. 

Men can call the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 for non-judgemental information and support. (Monday and Wednesday, 9 am to 8 pm, and Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, 9 am to 5 pm.) Alternatively, you can call ManKind on 0182 3334 244 (Monday to Friday, 10 am to 4 pm)

If you identify as LGBT+, call Galop on 0800 999 5428 for emotional and practical support.

For forced marriage and honour crimes, call Karma Nirvana on 0800 5999 247 (Monday to Friday, 9 am to 5 pm). Alternatively, you can speak to the government’s Forced Marriage Unit on 020 7008 0151. 

In an emergency, call 999.